


There And Gone

by verucasalt123



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Be Careful What You Wish For, Episode Related, Family Issues, Forgiveness, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kissing, M/M, Past Character Death, Post-Episode: s14e13 Lebanon, Sibling Incest, Wish Fulfillment, magic pearl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:55:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23169658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/verucasalt123/pseuds/verucasalt123
Summary: Sam explores his feelings on forgiveness after the unexpected visit from John.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 40
Collections: Supernatural Spring Fling 2020





	There And Gone

Sam doesn’t think the bunker has been this silent since the first time they opened the door, right in the middle of that year that he and his brother had sliced each other to the bone more times than he can count. All these years later, Sam still can’t stand thinking about it. He knows they’re so much better now, though, and the brief visit from their father had only provided more proof of the strength of their bond. 

Not that it was easy to tell at first. John disappeared, Mary took off, and he and Dean quietly drifted away from each other, unable to speak about the experience just yet. Sam knows this is just as difficult for Dean, trying to process the complicated emotions nearly drowning them in the wake of John’s presence. Some things don’t change, Sam thinks, their dad appearing and disappearing and leaving the two of them with the cleanup. 

For a very long time, Sam had been under the impression that he’d forgiven his father years ago. Let go of his anger over John’s many failings as a parent, as a person. Many times he’s wished he had been able to manage it while the man was still alive, but there was no changing that. It’s gotten to be overwhelming now - the solitude, the silence. He hopes Dean feels the same as he makes his way from the library to Dean’s bedroom. 

The door isn’t closed all the way, so he sneaks a look inside where his brother is in a familiar position - pillows propped up behind him, headphones on, eyes closed, ankles crossed at the end of the bed. Sam pushes the door so it’s open a little wider. Dean sees him there and casually takes off the headphones, but it’s obvious he’s relieved to have company. Neither of them do very well without the other, never have, and these days it’s pretty much impossible for either of them to hide their feelings. 

Dean slides over a bit and Sam joins him on the bed. It’s a tight fit, but they’re used to it. They’ve spent the past two nights apart but normally they end up sleeping together in Dean’s bed for at least part of the night. 

Sam thinks Dean has something to say, but he’s just moving in for a kiss. Sam lets him keep control of it, that slow sensual way Dean likes to kiss, not quite gentle but nothing like the way Sam practically attacks when he’s the instigator. 

This is definitely not what Sam was expecting, but there’s no way he’s going to complain about it. It’s actually perfect for this exact moment in time. There’s plenty of warmth as they let it go on, but not supercharged like they’re headed toward something more. Sam lets his hands wander across Dean’s skin, only in safe places, while Dean cradles Sam’s face and they kiss until they’re both dizzy with it, like they have all the time in the world for this. 

(They don’t, obviously, they never do, but Sam knows they both like to pretend once in a while.) 

The kisses slowly taper off and the quiet continues for just a moment until Dean asks Sam, “You all right?” 

Sam considers the question and answers honestly. “Not really, but I’m getting better. You?” 

“Kind of? I mean, I guess so. Mostly. I feel like this whole thing was different for you than it was for me.” 

“Yeah. I’ve been thinking about one time when I got dropped off with Pastor Jim while you and Dad went out on a job. I don’t even remember how old I was, but I was old enough that I was really pissed about being moved during the school year again and left out from what the two of you were doing.” 

Dean chuckles and says, “So pretty much any time after you were seven or eight?” 

With a too-gentle left elbow into Dean’s side, Sam agrees. “I threw a real fit. Yelling, slamming the door, the whole nine. When Jim came into my room and started trying to calm me down, I yelled at him too. I told him I _hated_ Dad, and I thought he’d be really mad at me for saying that, but he just nodded and sat down next to me. He said he knew how easy it was to let angry feelings take over and allow hate to...like, grow or fester or whatever. And how sometimes forgiveness seemed impossible, because hating is easy and forgiving is hard.” 

“He sure did have a way of getting right to the heart of things, didn’t he?”, Dean asks, moving onto his side so they can really look at each other. 

“Yeah. I don’t think I appreciated it at the time, like how kids never appreciate the shit they ought to. But after all this... I don’t know. I thought I forgave Dad such a long time ago. Like, years and years ago. I know for sure that feeling of hatred has been gone for a very long time, if it was ever real to begin with. Now I know it for sure, and maybe I didn’t truly forgive him for all the things I thought he’d done wrong until just now.” 

Dean’s response comes in a resolute tone, the one that means he’s not kidding around. “They weren’t just things you _thought_ he did wrong, Sam. There was so much he did, and so much he didn’t do, and that shit was real, and it was fucked up, and no matter how many times I tried to convince you otherwise when we were younger, he didn’t deserve a pass just because he was our dad.” 

“I know. And maybe this was it, this crazy thing with him showing up here. Maybe that’s what it took to make me sure of it, having him look me in the eyes and tell me he was sorry and he knew he screwed up with me, with us. But now I’m sure. I know that I’ve forgiven him for all of it, even for dumping that demon blood secret on you. I can feel the difference, like a weight lifted, as corny as that sounds, like setting down a burden.” 

“No, I get it. I could feel it too, with him here. I kept thinking hey, this is a chance for you, Dad, don’t fuck it up.” 

Sam slides his hand into Dean’s and squeezes just a little. “I’m making this all about me. You had so many of your own issues to deal with-” 

“Stop it, Sammy, you’re not _making it_ anything. I wanted to know what’s going on in that head of yours. I’m still trying to fit all the pieces together. You’re here when I’m ready to talk about things, you always are. Can we just try to get some rest? Somehow my head’s still quiet, I want to enjoy every last second of it.” 

As always, neither of them knows how quickly any rest or quiet they get will get pulled away, so they let themselves fall in, tangled and warm and light.


End file.
